Hero Fail
by Connie Nervegas
Summary: Songfic. Leo wonders if he'll ever rescue a damsel in distress and come out looking like the hero of the piece.


_Not every rescue ends up with Leo carrying some beautiful woman home to the lair to fall in love with him. He seems to have extraordinarily good luck with that in the world of fanfic._

_Song is "Holding Out For a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler._

"You shouldn't take shortcuts in dark alleys," said the mysterious voice in the shadows. It was a young man's voice; smooth and confident.

The girl struggled off the ground, pushing herself away from her attacker who was lying in a heap a few inches away. She swept her long, blond tresses out of her cherubic face and straightened her tight white v-neck sweater and her pink skirt.

"I'd have been raped if it weren't for you," she said to the figure concealed in the shadows.

He didn't answer.

"Please let me thank you," she said.

"No, that isn't necessary. I didn't help for your gratitude." She could just make out his shape. He gracefully sheathed his twin katanas.

"Well, you have my thanks anyway. You must be a really great person to help me out like that." She looked down at her attacker momentarily and when she looked back at her rescuer, he was gone.

**Where have all the good men gone****  
****And where are all the gods****  
****Where's the street-wise Hercules****  
****To fight the rising odds****  
**

If only all rescues went that way. Leo couldn't remember one rescue of an imperiled citizen that had left him looking like the big hero or even like a good guy. Maybe the comic book version of Hamato Leonardo had better luck than the real life counterpart of Hamato Leonardo, he thought sourly, as he scanned the alleys for stupid people walking to their doom.

**Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed****  
****Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need****  
**

Then he saw her. Tonight's girl who was about to get mugged and/ or raped because she was too busy talking on her cell phone to notice that there was a mugger and/ or rapist following her. Why didn't people ever learn? Why weren't humans more aware of their surroundings? He made a quick scan of the rooftops, looking for his brothers. Nowhere. Typical.

**I need a hero****  
****I'm holding on for a hero 'til the end of the night****  
****He's gotta be strong****  
****And he's gotta be fast****  
****And he's gotta be fresh from the fight****  
****I need a hero****  
****I'm holding on for a hero 'till the morning light****  
****He's gotta be sure****  
****And it's gotta be soon****  
****And he's gotta be larger than life**

But he gladly did it. He wasn't complaining. Raph complained. Mikey complained. Don didn't like doing it, didn't complain, but registered his protest silently. Leo had always liked to think that one of these humans would come to his aid if he were ever in need of it. He rubbed his unsettled stomach. "I know you're not happy with me," he thought. Don had told him that he had the flu but he disagreed. Don argued that the 102 degree fever and constant vomiting was a sign otherwise. Well, crime didn't stop. Stupid girls didn't stop getting mugged so that he could curl up in bed, read a book and eat chicken soup.

**Somewhere after midnight****  
****In my wildest fantasy****  
****Somewhere just beyond my reach****  
****There's someone reaching back for me**

He felt a push on his shell and easily caught himself.

"Hey, think turtles can fly?" a voice asked.

"Can you, Don?"

"You should go back to the lair. Let me handle it."

"It's fine. I'm fine. Life is good and fine."

Leo kept his eyes on the future damsel in distress. He heard her voice saying into her cell phone, "She did not! That bitch! She's just a fucking bitch that doesn't deserve your time! What a total bitch!"

He rolled his eyes. What a lady. And they say conversation as an art form is dead. He wiped his sweaty forehead, trying to pass it off as a movement of boredom, aware that he was under Don's supervision.

**Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat****  
****It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet**

He waited until the perpetrator had jumped out of the shadows to grab the girl. It didn't always pay to be hasty. Sometimes they didn't attack and nothing happened. He'd hoped that this would be one of those times.

"I'll do it if you like," Don said.

"No," Leo said, calculating his trajectory down the building, narrowing in on the girl's growing screams. "I was here first, so it's my duty."

Don sighed. "Fine."

Leo swung down the fire escapes, his stomach crawling inside him like a fish and the world swimming in front on his eyes. He hit solid ground half a second before he had expected and wobbled clumsily. Leo crouched momentarily to regain his balance and felt his cheeks glowing with the fever.

**Up where the mountains meet the heavens above****  
****Out where the lightning splits the sea****  
****I could swear there is someone somewhere****  
****Watching me****  
****Through the wind and the chill and the rain****  
****And the storm and the flood****  
****I can feel his approach****  
****Like a fire in my blood**

"Let her go," he said in a deeper and throatier voice than usual. He wished the guy would just run away and make it easier on himself.

But no. Of course not. They never learn. The mugger threw down the girl's purse and rushed at Leo. Leo took a kick at him and missed by a centimeter. The assailant stumbled past him, hitting the wall. Leo drew both of his katanas, hoping to scare him off with pointy objects. But no such luck. He ran at him again and this time he kicked him impressively, sending him sailing through the air and landing against the opposite side of the alley in a lifeless heap.

**I need a hero****  
****I'm holding on for a hero 'til the end of the night**

"You okay?" he asked the victim as she picked up her cell phone off the pavement, checking its functionality, and then sat on the ground crying uselessly. "Are you okay?" he asked again, louder.

"What are you? Some kind of monster?"

"I'm… no… I'm…" His vision became a black and red swirling mess and he felt hot all over like he had been suddenly set on fire. Leo threw his katanas to the ground as he leaned against the alley wall and vomited. He tried to be discreet. It wasn't necessary to upset the girl anymore than possible.

As he bent down to pick up his weapons, he could hear footsteps running in the opposite direction and knew that the girl was running away from him. He could hear her say, "Trina, I was just jumped by a guy and then this creepy thing came out of nowhere and…"

He thought of his imaginary doppelganger that inhabited the comic book in his mind's eye and decided that the Hamato Leonardo of comics definitely would not puke in front of a pretty girl he just rescued.


End file.
